How this boring, predictable wet dream of a science nerd got to become number one best selling book is beyond me. What a pain to read.
I was really surprised when my friend, and a former flatmate came to me with a book in his hand. I know him since high school and he never reads books. He just handed it to me and said: “You have to read this book. It’s great. Best book I read so far. I want to know your opinion.”
Surprised, I took the book and few days later (after I finished my other reading), I dove into this one, not knowing much. I was aware of the premise – a guy stranded on Mars – and that it was turned into a movie with Matt Damon. Nothing else. To this day I don’t know if I should thank my friend for letting me experience the worst book I have ever read, or just to slap him with it across the face.
First issue – rinse and repeat formula
Don’t worry, I am not going to spoil the whole book, because the book does it itself, with its very promise, since page one.
After a catastrophe, team of astronauts sent on Mars has to abandon the planet in a hurry, but are one man short. He was left for dead as crew members have seen him being impaled to death by a piece of equipment.
Of course, the presumed dead was just knocked out and now he has to survive on Mars all alone. Sounds good? Well, prepare for a disappointment.
Since page one main protagonist is facing life-threatening issues. First the wound, then the lack of oxygen, later on issues with water and food… and he has to overcome these issues just with his own wits. Lo and behold – he does it! Each time he fixes one issue, new arises and the vicious circle continues. Smarter readers also already realised, that he can’t fail in any of his endeavours, as the whole book is about him being stranded on Mars. Obvious plot is obvious!
And since it’s just the beginning of the book, after about 30 pages you realise it is going to go on for the whole damned book! Emergency happens > he fixes it > new issue arise > he fixes it > rinse and repeat. Enjoy the rest of this 369 pages of the same formula. You don’t mind that? And still think this could a good book? Continue reading this review then.
Second issue – scientific mambo-jumbo
This is the second reason I hate the book, and also the main reason nerds over the world love it. So take it with a grain of Mars dust.
Every time our main protagonist is solving an issue, it is accompanied by a lengthy explanation, using all the mambo-jumbo jargon of a science nerd. Unless you know a lot about physics, biology, mathematics and chemistry, you are going to be bamboozled – or like me – just skip entire pages completely.
Seriously – who the hell is going to enjoy reading three pages of technicalities and explanation of chemical reactions that makes the solution which Martian found, possible? I know the answer – nerds do. Like my friend. This is the sole reason he loved the book – because he knew what Mr Weir is talking about and he said it sounds plausible and this is why those solutions should work out.
But if you are like me – regular mortal with very basic knowledge of these subjects, you will be bored to tears. I was skipping whole pages, every time some stupid explanation took place, because I had no idea what it is about and was not going to waste my time reading such non sense.
Third issue – Mark Twattney
Holly Terra, never EVER I loathed a main character of a book THIS much! Since page 50 I wanted him to die. I wanted him to suffocate, to die of thirst or just to explode and move the plot onto somebody else. I wished something just tears his head off and let his carcass rot in the red dust of Mars’ surface.
You see, the problem is he was the perfect person to remain stranded on Mars. Mark Watney – the protagonist – knows everything. He knows his maths, chemistry, physics – and of course he was “the joker” of the crew. The bonding link for the crew, because he was always positive, FUNNY and overall had a good spirit.
Bit too perfect, right? As soon as they stated all these perks, it was obvious he can’t fail. He knows everything. Not a single useless knowledge in his possession – like psychology or being a surgeon. No. He was the only person who can stay stranded on Mars and to know how to fix everything and how not to get mad from desperation and solitude. Now that’s the level of writing of an 8 years old.
Also remember how I wrote “funny” in capitals? Because Mark Watney is funny. So funny that with each joke he pulled I wanted him to die even more.
Don’t get me wrong – I love bad jokes. I love dad jokes, childish jokes, jokes with farts and such, I love dry humour and love dark humour… but this was none of that!
All his jokes are outdated, plain stupid or funny only to the science nerds. And of course there is plenty of those unfunny jokes that were just rising my temper after reading them.
Fourth issue – no character development
After I read this steaming pile of donkey excrement, I complained to my friend that there was no character development and no character description. Half way through the book you find out that Mr Kapoor is wearing glasses and that spokeswoman for NASA is actually blonde and really sexy.
So there are no descriptions of the people you are reading about and even those few hints about their appearance is thrown in way too late, after you already imagined them your way. Very bad writing, if you ask me.
I know, not many books actually go such lengths as to describe characters in detail, but in this book, where nothing is going on, I would actually prefer to be given some descriptions of how people look, rather than two pages of chemical formula of how to make manure in space.
Also all the characters are so dull, you have no attachment to them, you have no feelings about them and if the Sun exploded on the last page of the book and killed the whole galaxy, you wouldn’t feel a thing. That dull everyone is.
For science nerds only – others don’t bother
Let’s recap. We have unlikable main character (who I wished died when he got impaled at the first pages of the book) who knows exactly how to fix every single issue Mars can throw at him. We have pages and pages of boring, stupid mathematical and chemical formulas that will be a Spanish village for 90% of the readers, unfunny jokes that missed its timeline for about 40 years, no character development, predictable story pattern and you know main character can’t fail until at least the very end of the book, since the whole plot is about him surviving on Mars.
This is no doubt so far the worst book I have read in my life, and I can’t recommend it to anybody, except people who love science and wish to spice boring scientific formulas with bit of an adventure.
Stay away from this garbage that I refuse to call a book, and rather go read a manual about using the vacuum cleaner. You will get more joy from that than reading this crap.
In case I didn’t do my work properly and you still want to give this “book” a try, why not helping me out, buying it through the link below. If I can’t dissuade you from the purchase, at least let me get something out of it as well 😛
EPHEMERIS INQUISITIO 